One of our university鈥檚 leading physicists, Dr Helen Robards, has entered the debate about student loan repayments.

Dr Robards told our reporter Keith Ponting (30) that her interest was prompted by the news that the proportion of loan write-offs had now reached 45听per cent, just below the 48.6听per cent figure that would mean that the new loan regime was now costing the taxpayer more than the old system of direct grants.

But what focused her scientific interest was the assertion by David Willetts, the universities and science minister, that no one should therefore write off his loans policy because such write-off figures tended to 鈥渂ounce around鈥�.

Dr Robards told Ponting that she had spent some years studying the phenomenon of 鈥渂ounce鈥� using the Coefficient of Restitution (CoR), in which CoR equals the relative speed after the bounce over the relative speed before the bounce took place.

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However, Mr Willetts鈥� 鈥渂ounce鈥� failed to fit any known value of CoR in that the size of the student loan write-off figure had continued to move inexorably upwards towards that 48.6听per cent figure.

If this did indeed constitute evidence of 鈥渂ounce鈥�, then, argued Dr听Robards, Mr听Willetts might well be advised in future 鈥渢o avoid any unsupervised use of a听trampoline鈥�.

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You鈥檙e foreign? Just sign here

鈥淲hat is the value of pro vice-chancellors? Do these quasi-academic figures have any place in a goal-oriented university going听forward?鈥�

This was the reaction of Jamie Targett, our Director of Corporate Affairs, to the recent assertion by Nigel Healey, pro vice-chancellor for internationalisation at Nottingham Trent University, that in 鈥渕any cases鈥� universities were recruiting 鈥渓arge numbers of international students of increasingly poor quality in terms of language ability鈥�. Such students were being used as 鈥渃ash cows鈥�.

Targett told The Poppletonian that Professor Healey鈥檚 remarks were 鈥渄eeply misleading鈥�. For while it was true that Poppleton had recently recruited very large numbers of functionally illiterate but financially viable overseas students, it had done so to enhance its 鈥渋nternational ambience鈥�, an ambition also exemplified by its decision to open new campuses in Pyongyang, Turkmenabat and Gomorrah.

However, Targett was unable to comment on Professor Healey鈥檚 suggestion that such courting of overseas money might lead a university to forget its 鈥渧ery different mission鈥� as he had 鈥渢emporarily forgotten鈥� the precise nature of that mission.

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Love me. Love my听absence

One of our leading research-leave academics, Dr Piercem眉ller, has claimed to be making 鈥渁n invaluable鈥� contribution to the teaching evaluation component of the National Student Survey.

In an email to his Departmental Secretary, Maureen, Dr听Piercem眉ller notes that his repetitive failure to turn up for scheduled lectures together with his readiness to award excellent marks to cursorily read essays means that his practice is an example of what several US scholars recently called the 鈥渄isengagement compact鈥�, in which academics and students tacitly trade light workloads and lenient marking for higher teaching evaluation scores.

Attempts to contact Dr Piercem眉ller for further comment were unsuccessful. Departmental Secretary Maureen told The Poppletonian that she had had no听contact since her last letter of complaint to him about his unexplained absence had been returned with an 鈥淎鈥撯€� mark and the comment 鈥淢ost promising鈥�.

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Thought for the week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

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Places are available for next week鈥檚 Interpersonal Relationships seminar, in which our visiting speaker will consider the predicament faced by those academics who can鈥檛 quite remember how they came to choose their present partner. Mark your applications: 鈥淯nconscious Coupling鈥�.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk